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© 2019 by Joyce Fetteroll

I feel disrespected when she doesn't take care of the nice things I've given her

You [referring to the original poster] said you thought you were most bothered by your daughter not cleaning her room because you'd just spent $2000 on it.

 

I had this revelation when I first started discussing cleaning and cooking and all the things we need to do for our families. The revelation was that we don't have to do all those things. We get to choose. We don't have to make dinner every night. We don't have to scrub toilets.

 

Once we realize we have a choice, we realize that what we choose to do for our families is either a gift that we know they want to receive or a gift that we want to give them with no strings attached -- in which case perhaps we should see it as a gift to ourselves. Often we get those two confused.

 

Like if we want to give them the gift of dinner, then we shouldn't knock ourselves out for 3 hours preparing a gourmet meal. They won't appreciate it and we'll resent that they don't appreciate it. If we want to give them something, then we should give them homemade pizza or a picnic in the backyard or even McDonalds. Something we know that they want, not something that we think they should appreciate.

 

If we want to prepare a gourmet meal, we need to recognize that we're doing it for ourselves and not for them. So their appreciation isn't necessary. Only our assessment in how well we think we did is what's important.

 

So if you truly wanted to give her the gift of a room, it was a room to do with as she wished. I think what you unconsciously gave her was something that you wanted which was a certain image of a child's room that met your needs.

 

Joyfully Rejoycing